It's Not Okay

I've been pretty quiet on this issue. I have opinions, of course, but they're already being said, and I'm not a talk-show host (and, contrary to popular belief, I don't believe normal "unpopular" people constantly tweeting opinions is necessarily affecting change... or making them look smart).

But I just scrolled through my feed to see 3 things... in a row... and I'm so tired of being a woman right now.

First, a girl who went on a Tinder date and got an unnecessarily long and detailed email the next day letting her know just how amazing her personality is and how grotesque he finds her body in comparison (she's 15lbs overweight).

That's not okay. Be attracted to me. Don't be attracted to me. Odds are you're not, but it wouldn't be okay to describe, in detail, how perfect I would be if only my body weren't so disgusting. This is called Body Shaming. A manipulation tactic designed to mold someone into exactly what you want them to be through negative reinforcement. (This one goes both ways, but is more societally prevalent happening to women.) Not okay.

Next, Bill Cosby. I haven't investigated this issue fully. I'm not invested in this particular case, nor do I have all the facts about it. But that's sort of the point. I know that, in this case, it's easy to say the girls came forward looking for fame. And sometimes people will make wild accusations to get attention or cover up their own misdeeds (Salem Witch Trials). However, do you need to know all of the facts before you start suspecting someone of something heinous... after 40 people came forward? Many people were, but many more are convinced that the women have banded together in a lie, and we shouldn't think he's guilty until there's proof. Meanwhile, that makes the victims guilty, greedy, liars. No wonder they never came forward. The real problem is that it wouldn't have mattered if the accused wasn't famous. Not really. And that's not okay.

This is called Victim Shaming. Blaming the victim for something that happened TO them, creating a social stigma about coming forward with wrongs that were done to you. It's the same reason children are afraid to tell people they're being abused (or, god forbid, molested). They know what's happened to them is bad, and somehow believe they will take the blame if it comes to light. As adults, they would. People would look at them with side-eye suspicion and ask them what they did to invite their attacker. What were they wearing? Did they know the attacker WANTED sex? Did they drink too much? (that last one is admittedly a gray area for me, but that's not the point). But we shouldn't immediately jump to asking all those questions. We shouldn't immediately try to find a reason to discredit the victim and/or justify the attacker's actions. You can say it's because they might be innocent, and you don't want to condemn until you're sure. Well, extend that courtesy to the victims. Because by telling the victim you don't believe them, you're accusing them of lying, and telling them that seeking justice for their personal horror has done nothing but rocked the boat, and effectively frightened future victims from doing the same. You have empowered the rapists. Not okay.

Finally, someone has posted a list of tips, apparently provided by offenders, on how, as a woman, to avoid being raped. By a stranger. On the street. I just... it took all the wind out of me. To see all these things in the world... and then this. When, where and how a woman is most likely to be attacked and ways to prevent it. Women can't walk alone in a parking lot. Why do we go to the bathroom together? Mostly to gossip, but in many places, it's unsafe not to. We are to look as difficult as possible to rape. Like we're going to put up a fight. Carry a weapon (or umbrella), have short hair (and certainly not a grabable bun or pony tail), difficult to remove clothing (though he's probably carrying scissors, aka his own weapon, anyway). Look any man around you in the face so he knows you know what he looks like. It's heartbreaking. I don't know how you think it isn't. Be safe, sure. But when it comes down to it: Women are most afraid of men. If you ask any of us, we probably wouldn't say it. We wouldn't even think it consciously. The fear is so ingrained, it's just a part of us, a part of our lives and the society we've created.

And that's not okay. Schools are enforcing strict dress codes left and right, and I'm not in a fight against modesty, but to publicly shame a young woman because her tank doesn't have two-inch straps, to announce to all the world, all the young women--all the young men--that a girl must be covered because men won't be able to help themselves? Do you not understand what you're telling them? That men are animals, and that's okay, and we as women are their prey. It is our duty to fight them off if we don't feel like being consumed that day.

When I was 20, a guy I was getting to know came over to my apartment. I didn't invite him. I didn't even tell him it was okay. He just said he was coming over. I told him no. I didn't feel good. I didn't look good. I didn't want any company. He said he was coming over. He made it sound nice. "I'm just in town today and wanna see you. I live so far away, when will we get a chance to get together again? It'll have to be quick anyway cause I have my dogs with me." Finally, I relented, "We'll say hi, but that's all. I'm sick and don't feel like doing anything today." I knew he wanted to make it a booty call (for lack of a better phrase) and told him, in no uncertain terms, it wouldn't be happening. He agreed, aghast at my assumption (the women are rolling their eyes right now) and came over.  I hadn't even changed out of my pajamas. And all of my (former) roommates can tell you, I don't wear enticing pajamas. Longer story shorter, it became apparent to me pretty quickly that he wouldn't leave until I'd slept with him. There was much back and forth. It wasn't like he just sat there and stared at me for 15 minutes and I said, "okay, fine." Several times I told him no and that he should leave. After almost 2 hours I gave in, because I wanted him out of my house. He was a terrible person. Racist asshole, left his dog in the car, etc. I never wanted to see him again, let alone have sex with the man, but I did. Because I wanted him out of my house.

I should have screamed bloody murder. Threatened to call the police. Anything but what I did. But I didn't. Because it was (I felt) my fault. I shouldn't have picked up the phone. I shouldn't have let him in. And after I had, and he wouldn't drop it, I was afraid of what would happen if I fought it too hard. I'd rather NOT be raped, wouldn't you? I was also too ashamed of the aftermath. Admitting I let him talk me into letting him come over, knowing he wanted to have sex with me, and then complaining when it happened? Saying I'd felt forced, when I'd agreed to every step? People would roll their eyes and list all the things I could and should have done to prevent it. It was my own stupid fault. I didn't even tell my best friend at the time how I'd really felt. I was very casual about it, nonchalant. Boys are stupid, right?

I didn't (and still don't) consider this rape. I consented, under coercion, but I didn't fight, and I didn't scream, and I wasn't unconscious. I'm not victim-blaming myself (shit happens), and I didn't tell you to bum you out. I'm telling you this for an altogether different reason. Whatever I should or shouldn't, did or didn't do, the point of this story is, I shouldn't have had to make those decisions. I shouldn't have had to have been in that situation. Men shouldn't be taught to take, force, bargain while women are taught how to defend, avoid, escape. At this point, women have to know these things. We have to carry mace and not sit alone in our cars in parking lots, because we have fostered a culture where things like this are okay. And you might say, what happened to me, a school dress code, and a guy waiting in an alley are three drastically different things. But they're not. You raise boys to think they can't help themselves, then let men do things like this and say, "Oh, boys will be boys." Then suddenly, one of them takes what has been socially accepted, even encouraged, just two steps too far and it's a horrible crime. (One step being date rape which, as we've discussed, is viewed a questionable lesser crime.)

And it's not okay. None of this is okay.

P.S. Yes, I did see all of these things on my feed today.

P.P.S. Before anyone trolls in here thinking I'm saying all men are pigs, blah blah blah, whatever: I'm not.  I say and believe a lot of things that would get me kicked out of the Feministas (for some "anti-feminist" double-standard shredding see my blog), but these are basic human rights I'm talking about.